Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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