I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
