Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
