Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
