I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks