She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
