***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
