when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
