Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
