well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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