this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
