Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
