Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
