i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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