I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
