I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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