I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
