My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
