Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
