He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I would ride that face into the sunset
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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