Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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