you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
