ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
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