Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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