At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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