New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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