After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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