u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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