And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
