You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
