I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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