I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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