If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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