i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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