and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
