Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
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The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Floor bacon is actually really good