Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
