They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
