mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE