she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.