idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
