you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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