I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
