What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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