Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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