If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
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We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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