I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
