census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
