Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
