I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
