why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
