I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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