sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
