When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
