shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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