i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
