So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
