at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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