I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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