Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
