He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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